by Mimi Winsberg, M.D.

We all know marriage has it’s stress points. There is the dual career marriage, marriage with toddlers, and the more recently documented phenomena of divorce by triathlon, as exposed in the February 1, 2011, Wall Street Journal piece entitled, “A Workout Ate My Marriage.”

Gordo asked me to write a piece on managing oneself as an endurance athlete in a marriage to a non-training spouse. First, a disclaimer: This article intends to share some wisdom from a leading marriage expert, and should not be construed to imply that I have successfully minimized the impact of triathlon on my marriage. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Dr. John Gottman, a renown expert on marital stability and divorce prediction, has studied thousands of couples and analyzed their interactions and conversations. Through his research, he has been able to isolate some of the characteristics that lend themselves to winning marriages. We learn from studying the habits of champions in sport, so here are five habits of champions in marriage.

1. Just Say Yes
Gottman asks us to pretend that we have a salt shaker full of all the possible ways to say yes, such as “good idea," “you make an interesting point,” or "let’s try that.” He also has us imagine a pepper shaker that holds all the ways one can no, for example “that’s stupid,” “I don’t think so,” “that won’t work,” “not now.” Champions in marriage are constantly sprinkling their conversations with the salt shaker, and using the pepper shaker very sparingly. Marriages that fail tend to be liberally sprinkled with pepper. Say yes early and often, and take a positive approach to problem solving.

2. Let Your Spouse Influence You
Remember the admiration for your spouse that led you to fall in love with them? Continue to let those attributes that you admire and respect influence your perspective. My husband is no triathlete, but I get some of my best coaching and advice from him. Letting your spouse influence the way you think builds mutual fondness and admiration that can carry you through rough periods, or periods of separation.

3. Manage The Recurring Issues
Gottman has found that most of the problems in any particular marriage are not solvable. Their are a minority percentage of solvable issues, but the majority are recurrent and perpetual. These issues need management. In successful marriages, partners accept issues that are perpetual and figure out creative ways to manage them. When a spouse bends over backwards to support an athlete doing their first ironman, they may become resentful as ironman becomes an annual or even semi-annual event. A bend-over-backward approach needs to be modified or the spouse’s back, and the marriage, will break.

When it comes to training (clearly a recurring issue), it’s helpful to block off workout-free zones. An agreed upon calendar with events, and key training sessions lets mutually consenting adults know what they are in for. While it can be nice to have a spouse’s support at races, it may not always benefit the spouse. The only race my husband likes to attend is Kona. (Note: Even non-triathletes like Hawaii.)

4. Turn Towards Each Other
As training draws an athlete away from home life, it becomes even more important to increase one’s awareness for points of connection. These may be very simple gestures that occur in tiny moments throughout the day. When small opportunities for connection present themselves, we either opt to engage or turn away. Gottman has found that the champions of marriage turn towards each other with regular frequency. It may be okay to be away for the six hour rides, or go off to a week long training camp if there is consistent effort to meaningfully connect.

5. Make Dreams Come True
When couples give each other the opportunity to openly share their hopes, dreams, and goals, a connected, supportive environment is created. Sometimes our instincts lead us to conceal our goals out of fear that the other person will dismiss the goals as silly, impossible, or complain about the toll they will take. Successful couples find ways to communicate their innermost goals and visions, and in doing so the goals become joint goals that both parties can share in.

Though not always easy, creating mutual support within our marriages helps set us up for success in sport and life.